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[♪♪] [♪♪] >> unfortunately that is all the time we have left this evening. thank you for being with us. greg gutfeld is next. have a great night. [♪♪] [ cheering and applause ] [♪♪]

>> that felt really good. happy tuesday everyone. in monday's tv address, president biden appear to have a spray tan. aids say he tried using a tanning bed but when they close to the lid, doctor jill kept throwing dirt and flowers on top. when media brought up biden's freshly dark in complexion, democrat leaders replied it's all part of their plan to gradually replace him with a person of color. u.s. military bases in europe are on high alert because of intelligence about a possible terror attack. when reached for comment got joe biden said, someone should tell the president. the biden campaign sent out an

e-mail accusing it's critics of being a bunch of bad waters. isn't that the bedpan calling the kettle wet? talk about projection, what's next, oling biden critics walking corpses who [ bleep ] their pants in front of the pope and won't acknowledge their grandchildren? did i hurt somebody's feelings? you know where the exit is. democratic strategist james carville double down on his warning that the democratic party's messaging is too feminine." many observers would disagree. and watergate legend carl bernstein says there's been a cover-up of joe biden's mental decline. and like 50 years ago, he relied on an insider codenamed deep throat. you dirty pigs. so we live in an incredible moment.

it's not often we get to see a massive hoax exposed before us and the world. that only happens in movies and every scooby-doo episode ever made. >> i'm sure you will recognize. >> well, well. >> just as we thought. [ crowd noise ] >> there is some movement and i don't want -- i don't want -- change my words. there's some movement, there's been a response from the -- the -- there's been a response from the opposition but, yes, i'm

sorry. >> greg: it's the perfect metaphor for this biden mass where we are told the villain is one thing but it turns out to be something else. consider yesterday's supreme court decision on presidential immunity. in the descent, a c fretting about how far trump would take it, writing "he will now be insulated from criminal prosecution, orders the navy seal team six to assassinate a political rival, immune, organizes a military coup to hold onto power, immune, takes a private exchange for a pardon, immune, immune, immune, immune. but that's all bs and it's scary coming from a supreme court justice. some wise latina, she makes aoc seam like fdr. everything she suggests the president would face impeachment for and then a trial, but surprise, the media played along.

luckily she only works monday's and has six days to calm down. but the libs once again rely on extreme fantasy. the president can use seal team six to take out critics? if he uses it on the view they'd be called neil team six. how would trump take out biden, make him climb stairs? would he slip poison into nancy pelosi's botox, switch out jerry's depends with a suicide diaper? in a perfect act of karma he could tie mitt romney to the roof of the presidential limo or may be trump could prosecute his political mnes -- enemies on charges nobody can explain. that would be new. but this decision is easily explained. on one hand if the president has no immunity for official actions, we end up with a leader weighing options on whether he will have to defend him in court someday. he will be more gun shy than alec baldwin's assistant. but do we want a president whose immune from all prosecution?

that's all this was, a guide on the limits of presidential power, but how do you expect a man with 1 foot in his mouth and the other in the grave to understand that? >> today's decision almost certainly means there are virtually no limits to what a president can do. this is a fundamentally new principal. and it's a dangerous precedent. because the power of the office will no longer be constrained by the law, even including the supreme court of the united states. >> greg: shot up, nobody's listening. we are just waiting to see if you don't keel over. this ruling actually meant trump could do whatever he wants, with the not apply to the sitting president? i say sitting because standing is a lot to ask of joe these days. chewing is asking a lot of him these days. it's not like biden or whoever is running the show wouldn't use these newfound powers. this is the white house that brought forward trump criminal cases along with an unelected defense attorney who chases trump the way navarro trails the

hot dog vendors of sixth avenue. if biden handlers thought they could drone the rnc, biden's teleprompter would read ready, aim, fire and biden would say ready, aim, fire, end of quote. but why is every supreme court decision or word spoken by trump causing a meltdown usually seen in jesse's dressing room when he runs out of aqua net? this is usually what happens when you see everything through the prism of one man, when one human being becomes the embodiment of all the shortcomings and fears in your life. i swear i haven't seen one guy caused as much hysteria since i did my last book tour shirtless. so is this the end of the world? if you are one of the media or enablers who's been hiding the nation's most eminent dementia patient, the answer is yes, it is. you've been exposed, like me when i forget to wear pants under my chops.

so once again, the left tries to divert us from that other story that the one about us not having a president. look over here, ignore that vegetable, but there's a contradiction. first, if trump is so evil, why do you have to make up these crimes? and if defeating trump is so vital to saving the world, why are you clowns running a glazed donut against him? but you see, if they don't make the story all about the trump apocalypse, we are back to an unfit biden. so they pave it back to the same preposterous place, trumped arrangement fueled by hysteria which reveals two problems. for the democrats this hysteria is a drug to escape reality. life sucks right now but if i just take more of this fantasy pill, it temporarily goes away. but instead it gets worse because this apocalyptic -- apocalyptic filter yields no predictions in overtime people learn your rantings are just hoaxes. it's how you end up with one of

the biggest political scams in history exposed. so what you are witnessing is the end of an era, an era where hoaxes were the foundation for power. maybe now we can get back to normal, where governance is based on ability and not something imaginary like joe's pulse. let's welcome tonight's guests! he's handled more roles than a masseuse for the view, comedian tyler fisher. she puts her money where her mouth is but it really should be in a bank, financial analyst heather zumarraga. when she wears stripes, she looks like a barcode, new york times best-selling author and fox news contributor kat timpf. he turns all-you-can-eat buffets into all we have left buffets, new york times best-selling author and comedian, tyrus.

how do you think, tyler, trump would react to the supreme court decision about presidential immunity? >> well first of all, excuse me, he's doing orange face so he's culturally appropriating me with orange pace, kind of like black face you think about it. some people call him the sitting president, i call him the [ bleep ] president [ bleep ]. but jfk, think about it, they had to have a second shooter. for biden it would be a banana peel, the second shooter would be a fall breeze. just like teddy roosevelt, they shot him and he kept talking. biden gets a question and he dies. not so good. >> this is all a farce at this point. it's hard. do you remember fire marshal bill? he starting to look like that. he's just like. they just kind of have him -- put a stick up his [ bleep ] and will come out.

>> greg: you are right. you know what people haven't talked about, the silent joe, not the talking joe put the silent joe in the debate where it was just this death case. it was actually super creepy. it was like frozen. >> i thought my computer froze. i started hitting my computer. i moved the timeline up to minutes and he's still... >> greg: that's the scene in movies where somebody walks over, like the coffin goes like this over the eyes. why do they do that? had there, always good to see you. we haven't talked since the debate. is it my breath? >> no! >> greg: what do you think of the supreme court decision, what do you think of everything? >> maddow saying you can politically assassinate someone. she's off her rocker! last i checked president trump was the president for four years, did not kill anybody that we know of and he also left office, he's not a dictator, which he accused him of being. there is something called term limit so yes, he could be

president again, he's not going to kill anybody. i think the ruling is a big blow to democrats, a huge win for republicans and president trump because their wish will not come true of gagging him and a courtroom or jail cell so they can cheat and win the race. they actually have to win fare and square, and honest race. >> greg: god for bid. now these sleepy heads or clapping. kat, this is a big ego ploy, all these people claiming they will be targets. nobody cares about you, rachel. >> i'm sure someone out there does. look, in general i'm all for accountability for our leaders, all for that. i'm confused by a lot of the reaction to this because it said official acts but it did not really get into what those specifically work. it kind of kicked the can elsewhere for that. i don't understand. i specifically don't understand

the assassination thing. because it says this does not apply to private acts and i do feel like assassination, you keep that on the down low. >> greg: yes! >> i have heard that about assassination, that's like the most down low thing you can do is assassinate someone, they can't know it was you. and also it seems like some of these people ironically are almost taking trump at his word a bit because trump is the one who's been saying i'm immune to everything from when i was president, i'm immune to at all. that's not what this says and in fact it's not even what his lawyers were arguing. but then that is what we are hearing people flip out about who are concerned about it. it's almost like they are taking him ironically at his word a bit >> greg: you know,, tyrus, is this the shiny object to divert from the real story which is still joe biden is not president >> a shiny object is the on shiny object coming out of his eyes. not present, no lights, he would

not go to trick-or-treating if joe biden was a house. no kids, the lights out, the lawn looks like [ bleep ], this house needs to be foreclosed tackles keep moving. but i think what we are seeing is people are coming out and trying to play this he's going to come after me. no, the law will come after you. when you make deals with the administration to get all the interviews and all the little things and all the bookings to play ball with them and they've all done it, they pushed the russia scheme, they push whatever the white house sends and we saw it again today. so now we are starting to see through the co-conspirators are because they have to double down because they are in too deep because eventually, and to piggyback off the down low thing. the down low in this relationship is kamala harris. she's eventually going to talk and will probably be the one leaking stuff out as long as they continue to go this route which she might be the allied we never thought we had in terms of

getting to the truth of this. everyone saying he's going to come after me so that's their defense. no, you lied to the american people, all the things you accused him of, you were doing it in broad daylight and now the jig is up. we all see it, the lights are out in the house. you want to say it wasn't me but it was you. he does not have to go after them but the department of justice should already be looking into this. you know he can't serve, we saw it. >> greg: yes, it was a disaster. all right, up next, took down tricky dick and now says biden is sick.

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[♪♪] [♪♪] ♪ video of the day ♪ >> greg: the man who blow up watergate dishes on joe's mental state. are video of the day comes from carl bernstein, yes that carl bernstein who's revealing president biden's serious cognitive decline. roll it, marge. >> these are people, several of them, who are very close to president biden, who love him and support him and have been among people who have raised money for him, and they are adamant that what we saw the other night, the joe biden we saw is not a one-off, though there have been 15, 20 occasions in the last year and a half when the president has appeared somewhat as he did in that horror show. these people, who have supported him, loved him, campaigned for

him, see him often, say that in the last six months particularly there has been a market incidence of cognitive decline. >> greg: bernstein just casually dropping a major scandal. and it's funny, coming from the same guy who said this... >> this is far worse than watergate. what we are watching in the trump presidency is worse than watergate. this is something far worse than occurred in watergate. i've said before that what we are seeing is worse than watergate. >> greg: man, this guy name drops watergate more than i name drop kudlow when i'm trying to get free checking. so how can a guy who helped break the biggest political scandal and never lets a moment pass without mentioning that somehow miss this? why did he sit on the story until after the debate? that's like announcing in an expose of japan's military plans

in 1941. he's known about this forever and waits until now to tell us? he kept quiet for the same reason he's speaking up now, he wants the democrats to win. that's more important than the safety and security of a country. in this case if he said this is worse than watergate, he would be right and he'd also be guilty. [ cheering and applause ] >> greg: heather, this guy made his name off being an investigative journalist, there's a huge story going on that he's aware of but he chose to ignore it. shouldn't that infuriate america? >> well, surprise, the media has been lying to us. cnn, either they are lying or they just revealed to us that hey, we can't hide it anymore. oh my goodness i mean we are talking about the commander-in-chief, the person who keeps us safe. it would be nice to have anyone who can at least remember what day it is.

i know it's not fun or we should not make light of him getting older. >> greg: yes weekend. >> well, i mean -- >> greg: they put this on themselves. >> but it's a serious issue. if you ask joe, i don't think he wants to be president. i think it's jill who's or cruel unable or, it's elder abuse and she's forcing him. >> greg: larry elder abuse. no once said that before, kat. heather has a point that it's only a story now because they cannot hide it anymore. it's amazing how this whole truck just turned around in a very narrow time because we all saw it. could not gas light us anymore. >> and i'm not a neurologist but i do speak english. that is what the word decline means, right? that thing about age-related mental decline isn't that it was

bad today but it's going to get better. that's not how it works. in fact what we saw at the debate, as time goes on, if this is mental decline, the word took line, what that means is as time goes on we will be begging for the joe we saw at the debate. >> greg: exactly! >> right? >> greg: that is so true. >> next year we will be like if only we could have that vigourous man back. >> greg: remember when he said we beat medicare? good times. >> yes, that sentence had a subject and a predicate. we don't get that from joe anymore. we will be saying those were the days. >> greg: remember how cogent he was when he says that woman could get impregnated by her sister? >> the biggest softball abortion question ever to say lots of people are getting raped by their sisters. that will be oratory genius compared to what we are seeing as time goes on a cause that is

what time does. >> greg: yes, exactly. tyrus, could you argue that this scandal is worse than watergate? >> no, carl bernstein is worse than watergate. and i tell you what, he had trump money hysteria. how many books did he write during the trump administration? every night, bigger than watergate, he was cnn's front and center guy. then he kind of withered off and he's the first one crossing the line. well, carl, in the spirit of the other corals, winslow, weathers, just like they are dead, so is your journalistic career. you have no integrity, you lied to the american people and now you are saying you saw some decline? listen, this isn't worse than watergate, we will put that to bed. this is worse than milli vanilli. all they talk about is the president's record. [ bleep ]. it ain't his record, he ain't

singing on those record, those aren't his procedures. you stop them in the middle of the day and say joe, he will be like, i ain't seen him. and, this is my conspiracy, you know what milli vanilli means in italian? pale ice cream. i rest my case. he's lip-synching the presidency , they put stuff, he reads stuff off the board and then they never let him sing live, you never net -- let milli vanilli sing live. they had their one time, the debate. the only thing we did not have was jill running off to fix the tape but they can blame it on the rain. it's all there. >> greg: the milli vanilli presidency. you heard it here first. all right, tyler, last word to you. >> i had five minutes on milli

vanilli. i can't do it now. unbelievable. i mean look, as far as jill goes, i will be honest, at least she standing up for her man. it's hard to find a woman in the city with all the feminism. i want somebody to prop me up when i'm dying. >> greg: to change you when you what yourself. >> the watergate isn't him -- but i think the least they could have done is have mitch mcconnell next to him during the debate, frozen, and then you would have been like he looks like an olympic athlete. >> greg: they always say stand next to somebody who's worse off than you are. >> or shorter, which is why i'm here. >> greg: i can't do that. we have to move on. up next, bill marshall's love for california's governor. the co*ckroach. resilient creatures. true miracles of evolution. where there is one, others aren't far behind. always scavenging for food, the co*ckroach...

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>> a story in five words. [♪♪]

>> greg: bill maher says put in new some. wrote a new york times editorial explaining what he wants an open convention and says california governor gavin newsom should replace joe. is that even possible? >> all things are possible. except for this one. when do we see people who get a hold of power be like no, i'm good. it's is not a thing, it's not how humanity works. for whatever reason, they, and they being democrats, have set this up where he's been able to get away with being the president at this cognitive level. so the time to deal with this would have been, i don't know, approximately the jillion times people brought this up and were told what are you talking about? i don't see this happening, especially because why would gavin newsom want to do this now

under these circ*mstances where it's contentious instead of just waiting? >> greg: if he loses, then it's going to sok when he could just wait until 2028. >> his hair will still look great. >> greg: not ball yet. and it's further away from his other problems. tyrus, you had an interesting theory yesterday, you think they will pull this off? >> first of all, bill maher, his trumpet arrangement has been taken to a whole new level but he literally just went against everything his party stood for. he wants to bring in another oppressor? looking mighty white today, bill. according to you, the evil right, that's all they do. even though we had one of the most diverse pools on our side. but for him to say that again goes back to why are they trying to make kamala the fall guy. i think she knows where the bodies are buried and she hasn't committed to going down with the ship. for him to say that is

irresponsible. they are throwing out all of these ideas to change the conversation. it needs to be brought back to this is why i have issue with him. of seen more people trade their integrity just to be against trump. whatever he is, whatever you claim him to be, you are worse because at least he's true to himself and he believes what he's doing. you are just saying [ bleep ]. you don't want kamala? man up and say kamala harris is unfit to lead and tell us why because you are trying to say she's not better than a guy who can't talk to anyone for three seconds without the person looking at him going dear god, is he okay, i don't know what to do right now, should i hold his hand or get a shovel? >> greg: tyler, what do you make of -- like, it's very easy to make, say, a dei hire but almost impossible to do a dei fire. >> oh yeah. sit back and enjoy the show.

they keep having all of these marginalized people and they are getting more and more specific. they would need, like, a paralyzed trans midget in a coma with schizophrenia. joe almost fits half of that. too tall. but gavin newsom gives me the creeps. he's like an alien pretending to be a human. he talks like he's doing slam poetry. like okay, we are going to have first crack head homeless secretary of state. he would bring all of the homeless people to be in the white house. they would all be naked, masturbating, which i'm sure is already happening be when you are almost there. >> i think i'm becoming schizophrenic talking about it. >> greg: that was pretty good, that's how gavin newsom talks. >> just an alien comes out. he still reminds me of christian bale and american psycho. he's got the handsome privilege though like you and i.

>> greg: i retired. heather, even strategist james carville saying they have to replace biden. >> you gotta do something different. newsom though. yeah, he's different but is not the best idea you have. look what he did to california. they have the largest net migration, people moving out, of any state in the country. lots of drugs, crime, homelessness. it will probably bring -- it will probably come to the white house with him. i was the best idea you can come up with? if that is your saving grace you are guaranteed to lose. >> greg: i bet california hopes he runs for president because if he wins a lot of people will move back to california. u-haul is like please, don't! or do. all u-haul trips outside of california are one way, did you notice that, that's not a joke, that's real. >> they are all coming down to

florida. we've got room, come on down. >> greg: all right heather, that's enough. sometimes i wonder about her. coming up, why does gen z feel it's okay to steal? ya know, if you were cashbacking you could earn on everything with just one card. chase freedom unlimited. so, if you're off the racking... ...or crab cracking, you're cashbacking. cashback on flapjacks, baby backs, or tacos at the taco shack. nah, i'm working on my six pack. switch to a king suite- or book a silent retreat. silent retreat? hold up - yeeerp? i can't talk right now, i'm at a silent retreat. cashback on everything you buy with chase freedom unlimited with no annual fee. how do you cashback? chase. make more of what's yours. we're told in genesis chapter 1:26

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does this trouble you, to you buy this? >> i buy it all but you are blaming the wrong people. it's not the gen z, it's their moms. it's mothers doing this [ bleep ], teaching their kids, making their kids co-conspirators. i see this behavior all the time in my house. they order something from amazon , play with it for a day and be like there's something wrong with it, sent an e-mail and amazon's like we replace it and then they sent back the one they broke up. they do it all the time. i'm willing to testify in court. but across-the-board it goes on. this is a learned behavior and consequences, moment that will take care of it. that's where this is at, it's not them, it's bad parenting and i'm pretty sure the parents, the moms, dads are doing it, it's moms. >> i'm impressed by the commitment to the scam. >> it's ridiculous. >> to actually leave and go return something. >> no, no, poor suite kat, no.

you put it in a box and they come get it for you. >> i see in ups the long lines, you just give it without the box. it goes in a plastic bag. >> greg: isn't that amazing way it's like they are making it easy for you to just use and abuse. >> i'm a little disappointed in the generation though because they are dumb. forty-two% are admitting they are doing scams? >> greg: that's true. i would lie. >> mom and dad will make it go away. >> they are like i do scams, internet that doesn't do anything with this data. >> greg: heather, you are the business financial maven here. what keen us to analysis can you bring to this topic that i can then dismiss we. >> other than my amazon analogy, i spent a lot of time in the ups lines, i guess i'm one of the amazon returners, i'm guilty of it as well. from a business perspective, gen

z is saying, which i don't know how they are saying this, but in the article, in the survey, with the data is saying, if they are 11 or 12, do they really know the inflation data? i guess so. they see prices are going up at the grocery store, they are not having to afford housing yet but they know when they need housing after college or during college, the prices of rent are going up across-the-board so i mean when you look at the cost of education, hopefully we are not going to bail all student loan debt out. we can't afford to do that and so i guess they are saying because our economic future is not bright, it's okay to steal? what kind of thinking is not, it goes back to the parents. >> you know what it is, it's a specific mom. it's the moms that did the penny cds, that got like 100 cds for a penny and then they were like oh, i'm 12, i don't have to pay, my mom says i don't have to pay. these are their children. >> greg: i did that whole

columbia house [ bleep ] when i was young. >> but it's also social media. it is destroying our kids and as a parent, figure out what your kid is doing, it in line, it involved, set a limit and make sure that they are not, you know, destroying their brains. they needed to respect law and order. >> greg: yeah, you know, they claim it's a victimless crime, which is the same argument i make about murdering those hobos. no one is going to miss them. tyler. >> well, as somebody who identifies as gen z, i've been triggered by this whole conversation. their whole thing is a scam. men can say they are women, that's kind of a scam, i've gone on dates before, the guy and awake, you know, and then i have to pay for it. that's [ bleep ]. it should be illegal. i've been dating gen z women, it's, you know, the other day i had a date and this girl is like

-- first of all, why does every girl under 27 so like rfk junior is that the oats, oatmeal caught in their? >> greg: how do they sound? the women? >> yeah, that's how they sound, greg. >> the whole thing is a scam. i'm dating milfs now. >> you just... you are going to get more love than you ever wanted. i'm pretty sure the best ones will still be dudes and wigs. >> i'm great for older women who did not have kids because i'm a man and a boy in one, you know,. >> that's why you keep getting the guys in the wigs. >> after this commercial break. >> greg: this is disgusting. up next, the petrified man shows off his new town.

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[♪♪] ♪ it's video of the day part two ♪ >> greg: biden goes full throttle with suntan from a bottle. our second video comes to us from biden's appearance last night as he muttered about the immunity decision. as you can see it appears he got a spray tan. for comparison, here's a side-by-side. from last night and the night of the debate. contrary to popular belief, i'm no beauty expert, but it clearly looks like joe got a spray. but for confirmation, let's go to an expert to get his opinion. sir, what do you make of biden's new look, does it help or hurt?

>> i don't know whether it helps or hurts. i can tell you in my opinion it's a new way of cheating. he probably did that to ingratiate himself to me because that would be maybe smart to do. what he did is so bad, it's ridiculous. just terrible. it may not have been the right move. time will tell. >> i told you, tyler. do you care to add any to that? >> that was so great, what can i even say? he looks like he's 26 years old next of biden. it's crazy. i think you might actually be transitioning into a woman because that might be the only last kind of rebrand that can get him -- joy biden or whatever it might be. i took an over here and i was like if i got in the car and my goober driver was like, i would

run the heck out of there and jump in the subway tracks. >> greg: heather. >> that went dark, sorry. >> greg: that's okay. >> i think he looks good. he looks a lot better than he did before. >> greg: he looks like a tanned ghost. >> the only problem is, now when they are saying orange man, you are not going to -- you will be confused which one. where's tom when we need him, he would do a great impression. but if you can't beat him, join him. it's fourth of july weekend, maybe he just went to the beach. >> greg: i don't think he went to the beach. tyrus, what say you? >> for his pigments to kick in like that, he'd be giving obama a run for his money. pretty safe to say he's not. if you are going to do it, and this is the problem with the democratic party, if you are going to spray tan, you don't just do the face. when he turns and walks and we

see the glowing white pasting is of millie vanilla slowly meandering back, and when he raises his white hands with his tanned face it's like come on, are we even trying, or is this another case during the spray tan he wandered off? >> greg: yes. >> because you are supposed to do it all. he just got the face in and then it was a soup time. >> greg: kat, have you ever had a tan in your life? >> i want to show you a picture of a very good spray tan. right there. >> greg: who was that? >> a very hot, hot woman. >> greg: i can't see that far without my glasses. >> unfit to work, let's go, guys. >> this woman looks about 900 percent better than she normally does, with a spray tan. it's a great move. i look so much better with a spray tan. i just worry i would be too powerful if i got it more often. >> greg: that's why i stopped growing.

>> it's like when i get a spray tan you can't even see my veins through my skin anymore. >> greg: you are quite translucent. >> extremely translucent. it's too hard to keep up. >> greg: when she drink swine, she looks like a thermometer. >> why would you do that, now we can't use that for an intro tomorrow. why would you just burn an intro like that? >> a quick news cycle. >> greg: we will use it again tomorrow. it's called repurpose and got good for the environment. all right, that's enough, don't go away, we will be right back. [♪] there's a way to cut your dishwashing time by 50%. try dawn powerwash dish spray. it removes 99% of grease and grime in half the time. it cleans so well, you can replace multiple cleaning products. try dawn powerwash. the co*ckroach. resilient creatures. true miracles of evolution. where there is one, others aren't far behind.

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>> greg: thank you to tyler fischer, heather zumarraga, kat timpf, treat -- tyrus. thank you everyone, i love you, america. >> jesse: good evening i'm trace gallagher, 11:00 pm on the east coast, 8:00 in los angeles and this i

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Greg Gutfeld examines the news of the day through a satiric lens fused with pop culture.

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